By Bianca Calalo
When the class started, I found myself to be lost in finding the meaning and intricacies of singing, of how it is more than making sounds and vocalizing, something that became more prominent to me when I started practicing singing for Project #2. I never really had any inclination to sing or find deeper meaning in songs, I heard them and I felt like I understood it as it was, there was no deeper thinking to how I consumed music. Through the process of learning a song, to performing in front of an audience, to switching to a different song due to said performance for this project, I realized that I was caught unaware by how little I know about the act of singing.
I first chose the song “Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel to sing for Project #2. I’ve known about it for a long time through my exposure to it from the many karaoke nights that my parents had from when I was a child. It was an upbeat and cheerful song about a man in love, like many other love songs. Other than how well I knew the song; I didn’t have any particular attachments to it. I had started practicing by listening to the song on repeat with Billy Joel’s vocals and me singing along. I didn’t think I needed to be that good at singing, so long as I was able to sing with the song. Much like in karaoke, I thought I would be fine with practicing like this, but on July 15, I realized my mistake. I sang in front of my class. At first, I sang the song like I would when singing in a karaoke, but having not gone or sang in karaoke for a long time, I had forgotten that they are often faster than the original. Even so, I kept on singing. I felt it was my fault that I underestimated the pressure I would feel once I actually start singing and my lack of practice with this version of the song. This was the result of my hubris.
I had the song memorized from listening repeatedly, a certain rhythm and speed that I’m used to that the karaoke version of the song did not have. I felt the song drag on for longer than it should have. I couldn’t sing it properly the more it went on, the eyes on me grew heavier and the words grew faster and faster, until I was unable to carry their weight and keep up with the pace of the song. My knees shook uncontrollably, bouncing up and down, I started curling up to myself. I held my knees down but it continued to shake and I couldn’t focus on the words anymore, not the ones in my memory or the ones right in front of me. Despite not having reached the 3-minute point, I had to stop. Singing the song in front of class was nerve-wracking. I was not comfortable with singing in front of others and though I knew the lyrics of the song and saw them in front of me. I couldn’t focus on singing as much as seeing the words in front of me and attempting to catch up.
I wanted to leave the class and move on from there, but I knew I was going to receive feedback for my performance. While I remember the feedback, when it was being given, I didn’t really want to do it. The “OH OH OH OH OH” part of the song, where struggled, was workshopped with Professor Sussman. I was told to hold my tongue close to the roof of my mouth and hum the tune and then add the “OH” sound as practiced in previous lessons. I practiced repeatedly, until I became comfortable enough to do it with the song. I knew, from that experience, I wasn’t going to be able to sing “Uptown Girl ” for a while without recalling my nerves and embarrassment. So, I just went with what Professor Sussman said until the end of class. I tried to listen to it again, one last time after class, but I was unable to feel good with the song. Instead, I listened to other calming music, recalling the Songs by Hearts song, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” which led me to the song that I ended up singing for Project #2.
“Rainbow Connection” was sung by Kermit the Frog in The Muppets Movie while he sat on a log on a swamp while playing the banjo. He’s voice is pretty monotone, slow, and doesn’t fluctuate a lot between high and low notes. He reminded me of how Mister Rogers would sing “It’s You I Like” and it calmed me down. I listened to Kermit as I made my late lunch, spaghetti. As I waited for the salted water to boil, I started singing along to Kermit and surprised myself with how well I know the lyrics. I didn’t have to look at my phone and just sang along, pausing where he pauses, and singing when he sings. Curious, I looked for an instrumental version of the song and sang the song to see how well I knew it while breaking the pasta into the pot of boiling water. I sang the song to the instrumental over and over again in the 11 minutes it took the pasta to cook al dente. I drained the pasta of water and poured some olive oil to mix so that the pasta doesn’t stick together once cooled, all the while having the instrumental of the song playing on loop. I hummed as I mixed the sauce and pasta together, and when I sat down to eat, I realized I wasn’t upset about class or “Uptown Girl” anymore. The repetition of this calm and wistful song was something I needed to calm down and it made me feel good. I found that I enjoyed this song far more than “Uptown Girl” and decided that “Rainbow Connection” will be the song I’ll be singing.
In learning and practicing the song, I tried to understand why it brought comfort to me. I relaxed at my bed and started humming the song along with the instrumental, singing out the lines that have the most emotion and feeling to me: “stargazing” with hope, “the rainbow connection” with happiness, “the dreamers and me” with wistfulness, “under its spell” with quiet admittance, “magic” with wonder, “have you been half asleep?” with wondering inquiry, and “one and the same” sung factually. In doing this repeatedly I felt like I was able to insert a bit of my emotions in the song and make it more personal to me. I would sing the song while doing chores or packing up. I felt great doing so, even when I’m in front of my family with my mother occasionally singing along with me. Through this practice, when I finally had to record myself singing the song, despite knowing that others will see it and the fact that I’m not that confident in my voice, I was comfortable enough to get through the song without being too embarrassed to continue.
I found that despite not being too knowledgeable or having any inclination towards myself, as I had previously claimed, there are songs that draw out emotions and attachments from me, like “Rainbow Connection”. I don’t usually sing due to insecurity and embarrassment with my lack of talent for it, but when I forced myself to sing a song that I like and that made me feel good, even if I don’t sound good, I would still be able to continue. It’s this act of repetition and normalization of singing, without the pressure of being the best or even being good at it, that encouraged me to hum along and outright sing without shame and just enjoy the music for what it is at the moment.
